I am so sad.

The lyrics are from Rugrats in Paris-Nickelodeon and Paramount Pictures
Sung by Cyndi Lauper
[link]

I will now attempt to get through this without the tears. (good tears)

First off, we now have food....because of you guys and I think that is pretty flippin cool.
Thank you so much for helping us during this time, it means more to me than anything.
I was really worried about asking for help , thanks for reassuring me that I wasn't being some terrible person for doing so.

It's a tough time but I feel so optimistic , I know things will work out. I always see the bright side of everything anyway, but right now, I really feel like there are reasons I am standing in this place at this time. I have a feeling someday I will look back and see this time as 'where it all began'.
If I can do anything for any of you, please, please let me know. I am forever grateful.


And John `kkart, you are the real deal and I have told you this before, your heart is kind, your friendship is true and I will always appreciate what you have done for me. (a few times)
Knowing you are always in my corner, knowing how much you really care has made a difference in my world. Thank you.

I will now attempt to get through this without the tears. (good tears)

First off, we now have food....because of you guys and I think that is pretty flippin cool.
Thank you so much for helping us during this time, it means more to me than anything.
I was really worried about asking for help , thanks for reassuring me that I wasn't being some terrible person for doing so.

It's a tough time but I feel so optimistic , I know things will work out. I always see the bright side of everything anyway, but right now, I really feel like there are reasons I am standing in this place at this time. I have a feeling someday I will look back and see this time as 'where it all began'.
If I can do anything for any of you, please, please let me know. I am forever grateful.


And John `kkart, you are the real deal and I have told you this before, your heart is kind, your friendship is true and I will always appreciate what you have done for me. (a few times)
Knowing you are always in my corner, knowing how much you really care has made a difference in my world. Thank you.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really don't like doing this, it's very difficult for me to ask anyone for help, it has always been that way for me but it's not just about me.
On July 26, 2012, my employer/friend/room mate died in front of me from an abdominal aortic aneurysm. His name was Marven and he was 72 years old. He was my best friend.
With his passing I am now left with no job and a 7 year old little kid to support. We live 10 miles off the maintained road up in the mountains. My daughter Haley goes to school 10 miles away from our home and we have no bus that runs out here. These gas prices are just killing me, as I am sure they are everyone but they are actually taking the food from our table at this point.
I have had the help from friends and family and I just can't ask them for any more help. I have applied for assistance but it's not happening soon enough. I am a photographer and my lifeline at this point is my internet sales but I can't even afford to pay my internet charges and when that goes I will really be struggling to just survive.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fighter and I will make it through this no matter what but I just need a bit of help at this point.
I know times are rough for all of us, please know I would never do this unless I felt it necessary.
I just need to feed my kid and get her to school.

I created a chipin account [link] and it felt so weird doing that for us but I am scared at this point and I have to try anything.

If you can help here is the link to do so [link]

I appreciate you whether you can help or not, know that.

THIS COMMUNITY STILL ROCKS

I wanted to take a moment to say Goodbye to Klaus.
Most of you know his owner John `kkart.
John had to put Klaus to rest today due to age and illness, they were best friends.
I put this poem on his Facebook page but also wanted to put it here.
I feel like like I just lost one of my own...


This is for John and Klaus...


I wish someone had given little Jesus
a dog as loyal and loving as mine
to sleep by His manger and gaze in His eyes
and adore Him for being divine.

As our Lord grew to manhood His own faithful dog
would have followed Him all through the day
while He preached to the crowds and made the sick well
and knelt in the garden to pray.

It is sad to remember that Christ went away
to face death alone and apart
with no tender dog following close behind
to comfort His masters heart.

And when Jesus rose on that Easter morn
how happy He would have been
as His dog kissed His hand and barked it's delight
for the one who died for all men.

Well the Lord has a dog now, I just sent Him mine...
My old pal so dear to me
And I smile through my tears on this first day alone
knowing they're in eternity.

Goodbye Klaus


John, I'm sorry.

Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs....

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves



They'll judge it like they know about me and you



And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do. The jury's out, my choice is you



You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me




Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine




And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and...




I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you....

'Cause I love the gap between your teeth




And I love the riddles that you speak




And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored.

'Cause my heart is yours



So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine



And life makes love look hard




Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine



But they can't take what's ours



No they can't take what's ours



The stakes are high, the water's rough




But this love is ours

With so many people just going through life never giving a second thought to the rights or well being of an animal, I can't help but wonder why I was born to think so much.
At times it almost feels like a curse because the heartache I feel for those who are suffering is overwhelming but I cannot ignore how I feel or always explain it.

I don't know why I seem to be the only one in the car who is holding back tears when I see a dead animal along side the road or why the sound of a gunshot in the distance during deer season makes my stomach hurt.

I don't like chasing after the dogs trying to get a dead rat out of their mouth, to some it would be pointless considering the rat is already dead but for me it's a respect for the dead animal and I don't know why I feel this way.

I'm not sure why I choose to stand guard when the dogs have chased a squirrel up a tree or under a wood pile making sure the squirrel gets away safely, I just do it, even if it means I stand guard for the better part of my morning.

I don't understand my insistence of saving my cats natural prey, spending two hours trying to save a lizard that has found his way into our  house of five cats.

I don't know how I can reach down and pick up a large wild rat that my cats have cornered in our kitchen and carry it to safer ground, I never even gave it a thought while others stood there looking at me like I was crazy.

I don't know why it doesn't bother me to syringe feed a cat who is sick and has no appetite or clean up a mess that the dog has made in the hallway because she has an upset tummy.

When a friend calls and says a dog she knows is getting ready to be taken to the pound because he doesn't have a home. I am not sure why I would get in my car at 9pm and drive 40 miles to get him. I didn't know the dog, I do now, his name is Petey and he lives next door.

And then at a different time do it again because that same friend knew a black cat that was in trouble and needed help. I picked him up and named him Roo.

I don't know why I would spend a month of my time rehabilitating a praying mantis who got caught in a web and broke his leg or why I feel the need to rescue caterpillars who get caught in early storms..

I don't know why it is so important to me to trap feral cats so they can get fixed and then released back into the wild.

Animals are just a natural part of my existence I wouldn't know how to act if I didn't have five sets of little paws following me from room to room. And how would I ever get a thing done without their help? And the cat hair on my clothes, on the couch, in my nose, I would end up having allergies or something without it.

Animals make my life rich….they make me smile when I really don't want to smile.


I don't choose to feel the way I feel, I just feel it. Some think I am crazy to spend so much time and energy doing what I do but I am not really doing anything but being me.
It's not easy to always care which I suspect is the reason most people turn their heads but for me turning away would hurt so much more than helping. I guess it comes down to what we as individuals can live with.  

I know there are many people in this world who feel the way I do but on an average day when I look around, I feel small, alone in this fight as I watch others just look away
And though at times, it seems it would be easier to not care I know in my heart that life is not about how easy it is to get through.
It's not easy at all.
But the rewards are endless.

Hearing them purr.
Watching them play.
Knowing their tummies are full.
Seeing them live their lives the way that they were meant to live.

I cannot change the world, I cannot save them all, I am only one girl.

But I can absolutely make sure that the animals that come into my life will have a voice, they will have their rights upheld. These are not rights I give them; these are the rights they were born with, that we were all born with.

We all breathe air, we all bleed red, we all feel, we all fear.

No, I cannot save them all but just saving one matters.

Some have asked what I get out of all of this…my answer is simple.

I can sleep at night.

---

And now for a few of my favorites...just a few because I just have so many...

First, I want to take a moment to honor the ever so talented `night-fate.....Ms. Julia Starr.
As a photographer, I have come to rely on many of Julia's resources through the years, not just her actions but her tutorials as well, her generosity and dedication to all of us here on Devianart has been unmatched.  
This year Julia took a bold step into her future by pulling all but a few of her hundreds of free actions from her gallery, which was not easy for her to do.  
I want to thank Julia for all she has contributed to this site and for all of the assistance she has provided with her beautiful work.
And to all of the deviants here on DA who have downloaded and used Julia's work through the years....I hope you will give her your support in the new direction she is now taking for herself...she deserves it.

Here is the [link] to Julia's website, which is just absolutely stunning.

And here are the actions that still remain in her gallery that are free to download....





Julia, I wish you all the best in 2012 and beyond....thank you.

And now for my favorite actions of 2011. I picked a few from each month throughout the last year that I found helpful within my own work. Hope you like them as much as I do.





Happy New Year Everyone!

December 26, 2011

Well, I finally finished the video, I feel better now, it's been my therapy.
I tried to finish this a couple of weeks ago but it was too difficult trying to get through the song without losing it.
Today felt right, I spent much time yesterday, on Christmas, soul searching, coming to terms with life. Haley and I hung Roo's stocking on the tree next to his grave which somehow made us both feel better, Roo liked Christmas, more than the other cats and so we knew Christmas day would feel a bit sad without him here. To our surprise, it felt much different than sad, we talked about him openly and smiled a lot remembering him, we will never forget.

So today I decided to finish his video....

My 6 year old Haley says that Roo is singing this song to us from Rainbow Bridge...







December 5, 2011


It's been a week since Roo died and it's been a long week but we are ok.
I wanted to do more of a tribute to Roo since the last time I posted was an hour after his death.
The words below are from a song by Joe Cocker and my daughter Haley says that Roo is singing this song to us from heaven. I had to share it with you as it touched my heart. Thank you for all  of your kind comments, I love you all so much for being so kind to us.

You touched my life
And turned my heart around


Seems when I found you
It was me
I really found


You opened my eyes
And now my soul can see
Our moment may be over
But you're still here with me


There was so much I didn't understand
And then you brought me here
Far from where It all began


The change you made
In my life will never end
I look across the distance
I'll know I have a friend


I was travellin' in the dark
Never sure of what to do
I didn't know that I was lost I found myself in you


'Cause love lives on
Beyond goodbye


The truth of us
Will never die


Our spirits will shine
Long after we're gone



And so our love....lives on....



Rest in Peace Roo....goodbye.

Mon Nov 28, 2011  1:50 PM

Roo was put to rest this morning, he died in my arms.

Thank you so much for all of your donations to help Roo, your kindness will never be forgotten.

We are getting ready to bury Roo now in our garden under the oak and pine trees, I have had him here with me waiting for my daughter to return from school so she could say goodbye to him, she made me promise to wait and so we have.
All of my other cats (five of them) have come to say goodbye to Roo, Mikey gave him a bath.
Roo is wrapped up in his favorite blue blanket which will be buried with him. It's time for that final farewell which I am just terrible at.

I really tried to do all I could do to save him, I have been syringe feeding him now for a week and giving him water this way as well. I kept hoping he would bounce back but it wasn't meant to be and so now I am left with a heart that is just broken right in two but he is resting and that is what matters the most.

It's finally over and I will never be sorry.

Rescuing Roo was one of my better decisions in this life, he has brought such joy to my world and I have cherished every single day that he has been here with me.

Roo had a hard life before he came here but never a day after he arrived. He has been loved and kissed and spoiled every single day since he came through our front door.

I didn't know there was any room left in my heart when Roo first arrived here but he made room, he claimed his spot and now he takes it with him today because it truly belongs to him.

I will miss his sweet face for the rest of my life.






Goodbye my sweet Roo, for while I live, you shall not die.







Last night was just awful, Roo has taken a turn for the worst, I need to put him to sleep. Your donations will be going towards doing this as soon as possible.








Roo needs to see an Ophthalmologist, an MRI is just too expensive but these are our only two options at this point.  I have been spending all the money I can get towards Roo's after care but I am really falling short and right now I don't have enough to get him seen by an eye doctor. You guys have already helped so much and I hate to ask for any more but I need to know if I am putting him through this for nothing. If an eye doctor says I need to put him to sleep I will do that but his current veterinarian (bless her heart) just doesn't have the equipment needed to make such a diagnoses and really thinks he should be seen by someone who specializes in this area. She is NOT recommending euthanasia at this point at all, she thinks we need to wait it out but it's so difficult to do.

So, if you can help, here is the [link] to Roo's new chipin account. If not, maybe just your happy thoughts and prayers would work just as well.
Thank you.






You have been through so much my little Roo, it hasn't been an easy life for you until you arrived here but you act as if it has been wonderful all along.

Since the day you walked into my world you have shown nothing but gratitude for all that you have here but the one who should be the most grateful…. is me.

Your determination and your loving spirit came with you when you moved here, watching you transform from a 6lb very ill stray to 12lb happy cat has been a pleasure.

You and I share a special bond despite my friendship with Mikey. You are the only cat he has ever willingly shared me with in his presence, your sweet soul has captured Mikey too.

Your little ways have made me smile so much.


I didn't know you were going blind Roo.

I never even suspected such a thing, though looking back the signs were there.

Seeing you now, trying to navigate a dark existence is heart breaking, I know you must be scared but you hide it so well, like you have hidden it all along.  

But you still act grateful to just be here.

Watching you yesterday was inspirational, you are so brave and so determined and you never waste a moment feeling sorry for yourself.  
The look on your face when you successfully jumped onto my bed is a look I want to keep in my mind forever, you were so proud of yourself and I was proud of you too.
It has been one week since your sight has left you, just a week and you already get around like you can see. I am amazed by you once again.
Your love of just being alive really puts things into perspective for me and you never complain, or hide, you are present in your life engaged with the people and other animals in your world, you won't let it get you down because there is just no time for that, you have stuff to do and so much love to still spread around.

I hope that if anything ever disables me in any way that I will have half the courage you have and that my spirit stays as kind as yours.

I'm right here my little boy, I'm right here.





Yes, you read it right, Roo is blind. I feel like  have been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks now, it's been crazy.

The day after we received the biopsy results from Roo's mouth, I noticed that he was acting strange, was walking wobbly, unsure, he looked disoriented to me. I emailed Dr. Peggy and sent her a photo of his eye that is still showing the third lid, she told me she needed to see him right away. At his appointment, Dr. Peggy knew he was blind right away, I should have known too, I feel like an idiot, this just got passed me, I was looking in a completely different direction. I am so happy he has such a wonderful Veterinarian, so grateful for the time she took with him and with me. At this point, she is not sure why he is blind or if he will stay that way. with the information she has she is thinking it is the inflammation on/around the optic nerve so she has prescribed a steroid to see if it will help. She doesn't have the means to diagnose him absolutely, he would need to see an ophthalmologist and/or have an MRI, it's too much and not just financially but emotionally for us both. If it is in fact inflammation then the steroid will work. An MRI would be useful in diagnosing a tumor but it wouldn't change the outcome because I won't put him through it all. So we wait.

His mouth looks wonderful, I can tell it feels so much better to him, he is eating so much and drinking well, I believe he feels pretty good, the improvement is obvious.

As for being blind...he can already jump onto my bed and when he wants down he either puts a paw on my leg if I am there or he goes to the side of the bed where I have placed a step for him and I only had to show him twice where it was. Today, I took him downstairs because I have had him confined in my room with baby gates to protect him from falling down the stairs. After he explored for about a half an hour, he made his way to the bottom of the stairs and then went right up them, then down the hall and back into my room as I stood there in awe. I feel so very grateful to know this inspirational little animal that we named Roo, he is teaching me so much about life, the stuff that matters most.

Roo's Chipin will remain open as all donations are now going to his after care and meds. The vet has him on a steroid at the moment to help with inflammation. So far he has been on two separate antibiotics. All of these meds have been paid for through your donations and my heart is just grateful. Thank you for your kindness, it really has meant so much.

Love and appreciation,

Jen




I am so flippin happy right now. The vet called a little while ago and said the biopsy showed no signs of cancer at all. She says it may take a little time but the swelling will go down. She prescribed a new antibiotic that will help with the inflammation. He has just had bad teeth for so long but now they are gone and my Roo is going to get better.

First thing I did when I got back from getting his new meds was kiss him all over his little face...gently.

Thank you so much for your awesome support through all of this, it really helped having you guys to lean on.

Now I am going to go back  to jumping up and down k?





This is Roo back in 2008 when I rescued him. I'm sure you can see here why it was so easy to fall for him. As cute as it was with his little tongue sticking out, it was actually quite sad because the reason it was sticking out was do to all of the swelling in his mouth from severe pharyngitis.
Roo had a great life until his owner/Mommy passed away, the elderly lady fell down outside while feeding Roo one evening an later died due to complications from her injuries. Roo was blamed by a family member who would was then responsible for caring for Roo. Well, she didn't care for him at all, instead, she banned him from the house, left him outside to fend for himself…for over a year. By the time I was alerted to his situation he was very ill, severely malnourished, Severe pharyngitis, an enlarged kidney and he was matted from head to toe. Recommendation from the veterinarian in 2008 was euthanasia.Well that didn't happen. I decided that Roo at least need a chance...he was so loving and was so happy when I brought him to my house and fed him, cleaned him up and gave him some loves. There was just so much life left in his eyes, I couldn't take it away without trying.
Here is Roo at six pounds the day I brought him home...





And here is Roo now at 12 pounds....





Roo has been pretty healthy these last few years. I changed vets after that last one told me to put him down, I found a veterinarian that thought Roo deserved a chance too. Roo suffers from severe feline periodontal disease and Stomatitis. The vet said that he should have all teeth extracted which he only has a few but she said back then that we could try to manage this with antibiotics due to the fact that I couldn't afford the surgery. Until now, he has done fairly well but last week I noticed one of his eyes looked watery, I thought it was a cold until a few days after that when I noticed the swelling and the dilation of just that one eye.

Well, turns out Roo has a Tooth Root Abscess and the Abscess is up under his eye. We have tried antibiotics but the tooth needs to be extracted the cost will be at least $500.00 and I don't have it.

I don't like asking people for anything so this is difficult but Roo needs help and so here I am asking for help.

It is breaking my heart to see him this way, his face is all puffy and it hurts. He has been through so much already, he doesn't deserve this to happen to him. He is suppose to be one of the lucky one's, he found a forever home and people who love him sooo much. I just don't want it to end this way, it's not fair.

I know times are tough for all of us now and I understand if you cannot help but if you can we would be so grateful.

I am going to try and sell my camera and put the money towards Roo's care.


If you can help with the cost of Roo's Surgery please follow the link below.






Thank you.


PS- I will provide accounting for funds donated.




All I know... is that you people are flippin AMAZING!

I cannot believe we have reached the $500.00 goal already, I am just blown out here. Really.

I came on here a couple of days ago with not much hope....Wow!

I have spent this day  between tears of joy and jumping up and down, seriously.

Roo had an appointment today with the vet at noon. The swelling of his eye had gone down a bit due to the antibiotics I have been giving him but his pupil was still dilated. Dr. Peggy gave Roo a shot in his booty of a long lasting antibiotic and his surgery is schedule for Thursday October 27th  at 11:30 am but he has to be there by 9:30am for his full blood work up  which we now have enough money for (squealing), it's the safest way before surgery to have this done. I never thought we would have enough for surgery let alone a FULL blood workup.
I am so happy you guys, how in the hell do I say THANK YOU enough.  

Thank you for helping my Roo, I am forever grateful.

And then there is John ...I know he sent a lot of you here. How lucky am I to have a friend like him?
This isn't the first time he has went out of his way to help me, nope, John has helped me with everything it seems.

So John, you know I love you but I like you too....thanks for being there......again.
Seems you are always saving my ass. LOL

You know how much Roo means to me, you have been there from the day he came home with me, thanks for caring John, you are the best.

So, I promise, promise, promise to update you again as soon as Roo is through his surgery.

You people really are amazing. Thank you so much.

PS- And so you know, anything donated over the $500.00 is going into Roo's after care fund with the vet, not that I am asking for more though, my goal was to get this surgery done and that is happening now thanks to you but for those who may still want to help him, you can and I will make sure it goes to the vet as a credit for Roo.

And again, I will be providing all of you that have donated with an accounting of the services your donations were spent on.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

You people ROCK!




Well we reached the goal for Roo's Surgery and he goes in at 9:30 am tomorrow, October 26th. His surgery will not be until 11:30 am but he is getting a full blood work up, again, because of you all. YEAH! Blood work is expensive and many people opt out because of the expense and in turn put their animals at great risk. I have been there myself, with my fingers crossed as my animal is in surgery, hoping there will be no problems, knowing that if there is a problem, it could have been prevented by having the blood work done ahead of time.

Well I don't have to cross my fingers with Roo, He is getting everything done that should be done.
(you guys so rock)
And I have such confidence in his veterinarian Dr. Peggy form Sierra Animal Wellness Center she is just a really neat lady and I love how the animals respond to her, she just has a way with them.

I am nervous though, so don't let me kid you for a moment. I know the risks going into this with Roo, he is no spring chicken though we really don't know for positive exactly how old he is we are guessing about 7 years old or more. At his time of rescue he had an enlarged kidney, though it seems normal now, I have seen things go from normal to not so normal in an instant so I am preparing myself. Or trying to.

I have only had him for three years and I say ONLY like that matters...it doesn't.

This little turkey butt captured my heart the moment I looked at him all neglected but still happy. Roo has the best attitude, he enjoys each minute for what it's worth. Even in pain he is just the most pleasant little guy and that has broken my heart more than once.

From the moment Roo's feet touched down on our carpet he has been home, he never had one moment of hiding under the bed or in the closet. I took the photograph above within an hour after he arrived, all sprawled out on the couch just purring away.
He knew this was his home and it is. Roo is very much a part of what makes this place home to us as well.

So I am nervous because three years has just begun, I want more years with this incredible being we share a life with. He means so much to me and what I want more than anything is to see him pain free and even more able to enjoy this good life he has now. I want more Roo kisses, more Roo cuddles.

I know things will be ok, they have to be ok. because God blessed the Broken road that led him to us, I don't think he wants to take him right yet.

Yes, some of those words are from a song that my Daughter says is Roo's song about when he found us.

Here are the lyrics to that song by Rascal Flatts


I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Thank you so much for all of your help, please keep Roo in your thoughts tomorrow. I will update you when he gets out of surgery. You guys really are the best.




Roo had his surgery and had all three of his teeth pulled, he is still in a lot of pain as they had to look for fragments of all the teeth he had lost already and remove the roots.  He is on pain meds and that helps but he is out of it.
It turns out there is no abscess causing his facial swelling and his one eye to be dilated, the vet said that it isn't a tumor but maybe cancer but she said she is not sure of that either because it doesn't look like any cancer she has seen. She did a biopsy and we will have the results in a couple of days, I will let you know when I find out. Sorry I am not updating until now, I have been doing the soul searching thing and trying to spend as much time with Roo as I can.  I feel guilty for putting him through this painful process because if it turns out to be cancer then all of this pain is for nothing.
This is it though, no more pain for Roo, he has dealt with pain his entire life and if he is not going to get better on his own without all the bullshit treatments that he would hate then I will have to let him go. Of course, I am going to wait until we know for sure what is going on but I won't put him through hell to keep him alive another year if that's the kind of deal we are looking at.

It hurts to see him hurting like this and it hurts to think that these days are going to our last days together. I really tried so hard to give him a better life, it's sad that it could end this way.

Thank you for all of your help and thoughts and prayers, I love you guys.

Time really does fly by doesn't it? I can't believe he has been gone for 3 years already.

I wish I could say that I have found peace with it all but  I  really haven't, every day is still a struggle, still trying to understand, though the questions have finally stopped racing through my mind, thank goodness, it was like a tape playing in my head over and over again, the what if's were making me crazy, what if I would have done this or said that, it was like this endless train of useless thoughts because it's over, Patrick is gone, no matter what I did or didn't do or what  I should have said but didn't, he's not coming back. I have bargained with God, promised to do anything, just for 5 more minutes with him, 5 more minutes is all I needed, just to clear some things up, to tell him he mattered, that I cared even though I may not have acted like it all the time, that I am sorry for hurting him, sorry I couldn't be who he needed me to be and that   I loved him, he was my best friend. Just 5 minutes.

At this very time 3 years ago, I was saying goodnight to Patrick, watching him walk out of my room, not realizing that it would be the very last time I would see him alive, nor did I realize that would be the last night I would sleep so soundly. Waking up that next morning was like walking in to a nightmare,  my neighbor yelling, Patrick's car running with his lifeless body inside right outside my bedroom window, moments forever etched in time, etched in my heart and in my soul.

I use to hope for the day that I would find closure, move forward, get past it all but that is not going to happen, or at least it hasn't happened yet. I guess the most I can hope for now is to just try and live with it the best I can and I do that, I try.

I put some flowers outside , by the tree where he chose to die, I have to see this place everyday because I live here, he chose to die where live. I have no choice but to live with it.

This was Patrick's choice, Patrick's decision.


I miss you my friend.

But each day I wake up to just one.

Kristen is 17 years old and she is my oldest child. Kristen lives with her dad for reasons that I take responsibility for but she lived with me for almost 8 years. We use to see one another on the weekends but that hasn't happened for a long time now.

I really try to not think about things, I know that sounds bad and maybe it is but it's either that or crawl into hole and never come out. Haley is 6 years old so the hole is not an option.

So....I get up each morning and try with all that I am, to not fall apart, to get through the day, to try and find some normalcy yet nothing ever really feels normal because no matter what I do, or where I go, she is there, Kristen is always there.

I have missed so much that I will never have a chance to get back and each day I miss out on more. All I have is her photography account (yes she is also a photographer) I check that account every single day, it's the only connection I have to her because she doesn't talk to me anymore.

It's as if all the years we had together didn't happen.


It's like she doesn't remember but how could she forget?

We had a life.

I changed every diaper, I was there for every feeding, I read her books every single night before bed, I watched her take her first steps, I cried when she called me mama for the first time. I took her to every doctor appointment, sat up with her when she was sick. I was there when she got stitches for the first time....we were dancing to the music of the Lion King when she fell and hit the table. I remember giving her baths in her pool during the summer and watching her swim with REAL ducks in her bath tub. I was there for her first day of school, I helped her with homework every night. I would walk her to school everyday, and to the bus stop. I remember even push starting my truck every morning for months because the starter was out...those mornings seemed so stressful then but now the memory of those days are the best. I remember one morning on the way to school it started snowing, we lived in Sacramento and it doesn't snow there often. When Kristen saw the snow falling she began to cry because she was so happy. Kristen has such a beautiful heart and I just love that the most about her. I remember being her mom, I loved being her mom.

I know I screwed up, I live it each day, I know I am not there now but there was a time when I was there always.

I really miss those days and I really miss Kristen.

I have TWO daughters.

Sandy's Lab results are back after surgery and the news wasn't so good. Doctor says the type of cancer Sandy has is rare and typically an aggressive invasive type. Even with this bad news Sandy has seemed pretty optimistic until a couple of days ago when she began to feel sick. I went by to see her last night and she was feeling pretty awful. We got her to call her doctor and since she had an appointment already set for this morning he said  to start antibiotics he had already given her. She was scheduled for surgery at 1pm today and it was suppose to be for reconstructive surgery but then they said it would be her regular doctor doing the surgery so we wee not really sure what was going last night, what the doctors intentions were. I am waiting now to find out, pacing as usual.

You know, it's like she is on a damn roller coaster, one minute everything is looking good the next her world is falling down around her. It's really sad and she is scared and I don't know what I am suppose to do, what I should say, if I should say anything at all. I'm scared too, I'm scared I'm going to lose her but I know I need to be optimistic, it's so important to have a positive attitude but my heart hurts and it tough to smile through the tears.

I thought maybe some DA prayers were in order so if you could spare some, it would be appreciated more than you could ever know.

I will update when I know something more.

Sandy's Guestbook

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing


You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

but you don't know, what you don't know...


You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again


I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can't lead me down that road

And you don't know, what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
:thumb189907812:
And all you're ever going to be is mean
:thumb41387094:
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

:thumb40043465:

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things


Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing


But all you are is mean

All you are is mean

And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

This is for all  the women who have suffered
any kind of abuse verbal or physical  
and have lived to tell about it.
We are survivors, no longer the victims.
And to those who still suffer...
No one has the right to be  mean to you
but only you have the power to stop it.
Believe in yourself and take back your power,
it belongs to you and only you.

Song is by Taylor Swift

UPDATE

Sandy's Guestbook [link] She will cherish the messages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sandy went into surgery about 12:30 this afternoon.
(I have been pacing)
The worst is over. Sandy chose to have a double mastectomy and the doctors have come out to say they feel they got it all. Sandy is still in surgery but now undergoing the reconstructive phase.  Thank you all for your prayers. I can breathe now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sandy and I were up almost all night long researching every word of her pathology report. Her doctor appointment is not until Tuesday and that is much too long to not know what this all means so together we were on a mission to sort through it. I would research and print and then I would hand it to her to read and go back to researching and printing. By 3am we had the entire couch covered in paperwork the table too. We were exhausted, emotionally drained from this entire week. I have tried to stay positive because I know how important a person’s attitude is in getting through this but sitting there surrounded by paperwork, I looked at her and just felt so scared.
It took all I had to fight back the tears; all of a sudden every moment we had ever spent together was right there with us, this amazing friendship, unique almost, a friendship we stumbled upon by accident. There it was and there we were in this place of searching for answers, sifting through words and numbers that are suppose to represent what is going on inside of her but nothing on those papers represented was truly going on inside of her; suddenly in a situation she had not prepared for, not yet. So many things left to do, people to see, things that needed to still be said, always assuming that tomorrow is only a day away but now the threat that tomorrow may never come, the possibility that all of the things she has yet to do.....are done.

Sandy is a fighter and will not allow cancer to beat her, this I know. Cancer has finally met its match in Sandy but despite the outcome of this, despite a positive attitude, inside of her she knows this is a threat.

I guess I never saw this side of cancer, I have known people throughout my lifetime that have survived this diagnosis but I wasn’t close enough to the battle to see this side of it. Sandy however, is my best friend and I am witnessing the impact of this disease in a way I never have before. I am seeing first hand what a person goes through when they feel there life may be coming to end and it’s a scary place to be but not because of the actual threat of death, it is scary because of the threat of the undone…

I have always been a believer in the power of today, the importance of now but sitting with Sandy in these moments has made me understand it so much more. This life is just so temporary and the people we love seem to pass on through, each of them leaving with us a part of themselves for us to carry in our own way. The only thing we can really count on is that they are only passing through, that we are only passing through and we never know for how long.

We are all so concerned with the future; we plan for everything in advance. We spend so much time investing in what ‘will come’ but the only thing that is really important is ‘what is here right now’. Right now is the only thing that we can really count on; there are no guarantees for any of us.

We live in such a busy world so full of day to day events that are really unimportant when looking at the entire picture. In the end it won’t matter how much money we made, or how big our house was, the car we drove will mean even less.  Our legacy will be who we loved, the lives we touched. If we really want to live forever, the only way to do this is to feel love and to give it because once a person has you in their heart you will never really be gone, you will live on within them forever.

I am proud of Sandy today and I admire her more than ever before because the things that matter to her are the things that really matter. She is ready to face this battle and I am ready to stand there beside her holding her hand. Her strength is amazing but her soul is unbelievable. I am so thankful I know her.


The Update

As you just read the pathology report is in....but not all of it. We are waiting for prognostic markers to define a treatment plan. Sandy does in fact have breast cancer but will not really know the full details until her appointment on Tuesday. I will update you all as soon as I find out. Thank you for all of your prayers.

P.S.- I have decided to keep the photographs below in my journal for a while, it makes Sandy smile when she sees them there and I like it when she is smiling.

Some of you know of Sandy through my work ,she has been a model for me...



And she is the mom of some of my models...






Sandy's Farm....



And other friends from Sandy's Farm....

This last week my dear friend Sandy ~rocketsandy was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We don't know all the details yet as the biopsy is scheduled for next week.

I know the power of DA prayers and that is why I am bringing this to you....

You people ROCK!

Sandy is the most wonderful person you could ever hope to know, she is so real. She and I have been friends for a few years now but it feels as if we have known each other always, I have never connected with anyone the way that I have connected with her.

Some of you know of Sandy through my work ,she has been a model for me...



And she is the mom of some of my models...





Sandy's Farm....



And other friends from Sandy's Farm....



Sandy is so supportive of my work, her encouragement means so much to me, she genuinely enjoys the photographs I take and that is just the best feeling. She always gets excited seeing my work of her home and family posted here on DA.

With the news of Sandy's Cancer, I was left momentarily speechless, not really knowing what to say or what is appropriate in this type of situation. With much consideration, I made the choice to just say whatever I feel like saying because that's what our friendship has always been about, the freedom to share our thoughts and our feelings openly with one another. Some things in life may change but our friendship does not.

So, I am asking you all to join me in a prayer for the most amazing lady know, who is just the best friend ever.

And to Sandy...
I love you like words could never express, I am here for you no matter what, through it all you can count on me. We will beat this, I know we will.

It is no secret that I am an animal lover, anyone who knows me or even of me knows this about me. But up until recently, I have also been a meat eater, not realizing the contradiction here. I was raised eating meat, though I don’t have much of a taste for it, it’s always been on the menu, frying chicken and barbecuing steaks, ham sandwiches and hot dogs, eggs and bacon etc….

How many of us never put a face on these everyday foods we eat? We go to the store and everything is so neatly packaged so we don’t see the faces. They don’t want us to see the suffering, the pain, what really goes on behind closed doors. They don’t want us to see how our food gets on our plates because they know that most of would never buy meat again if we did know.

I cannot count the times I have been to McDonald's, I have kids and because of that stupid toy, I have helped to fund the murders of so many animals. That’s the bottom line. Every time I have purchased meat in the grocery store too, I have given my support to the blood shed.

No More.

What was the turning point for me?

All of us get little tidbits of information here and there, the photographs, and the videos, the articles. Historically, I would not look at them or watch them or read them, I would immediately turn the page, get off the website and I would tell myself that I could not look at that stuff.

Really? And I call myself an animal lover?  That doesn’t make sense. All it did was allow me to continue to look the other way and spare myself the guilt, the reality that I have contributed to the absolute cruelty that goes on in our world for the sake of appetite.

I decided it was time to face the demons and now it is all so clear to me.

I won’t post any images or even links for you, this is something that has to happen in your own time but hopefully it will happen at some time.

I Googled it and sifted through it all.

I am a different person today.

I do feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, but you know what?

I am not going to ever eat meat again and that is a fact.

I feel deceived in so many ways, the way the industry keeps so much from us. I think we all have a right to know what is going on. I always knew the animals were being killed, I am not an idiot. But I never really looked at it.

Well I have looked at now, the abuse, the cruelty and it made my stomach turn.

Animals are dying every second for us to eat but they are not just dying, they are being murdered in such cold blood.

For some reason I always had this impression that the animals died in a different way, humanely I guess. I didn’t think as human beings we would be capable killing animals any other way on regular basis.

There is nothing humane about the way these animals are being treated or how they are dying all in the name of food and research, fur and hunting for sport.

None of it will change unless we make it change.  

I know there has to be many of you out there that are like me. Just because you haven’t done the research doesn’t mean you don’t love animals. It’s difficult to see the images and that’s how you know that you do care because if you didn’t care it wouldn’t bother you to read the stories or see the abuse.  I use to say that I didn’t need to see all that stuff to know what was going on but I will tell you this….

Knowing what is going on and actually doing something to help stop it are two different things. Seeing the truth has given me a different feeling inside and not just nausea, it has pushed me over that line between knowing and doing.

I want to do my part; I will no longer contribute to the slaughter. I know I am only one person and some may say that will not matter but it matters to me, the animals matter to me and there is one less person today supporting the industry and that is one person closer to putting an end to the killings.